10 Healing Tips When Life Seems to Break
A family member’s diagnosis breaks our trust, our beliefs, our dreams. We can heal.
Life once seemed manageable. Sure, you had bumps and some set-backs but you also had resources to recover.
Until a phone call or a doctor’s appointment changes everything. Then, nothing feels manageable and life no longer feels like the one you want.
When a family member receives a life-altering diagnosis or suffers a life-changing injury, we may find ourselves wanting to give back this life which we do not recognize. We can no longer trust in life’s goodness. We can no longer believe that life is fair. We can no longer dream of a future that looks fun and festive and fabulous.
Our life seems to break.
Every break needs a chance to heal. How do we heal our life so we can continue?
These suggestions can help you find what can heal your life:
Create. Write, draw, doodle, knit, carve, photograph, grow. Embrace a creative exercise that feels natural and doable to you. Your creativity isn’t necessarily about the outcome (like writing a book that lands on The New York Times best-sellers list) but about tapping into your God-given gift. Creativity also can bring you into a flow when you focus fully on the task at hand, which means you receive a break from worries, stress and overwhelm. Kathy Murri, one of our Certified Caregiving Consultants, shared more about flow during her presentation at The Caring Conference, Our Resilient Spirit in April 2021.
Receive nature. Sit in your backyard, walk through a nature preserve, stroll by a river or lake. Nature reminds us that it continues through its four seasons. We can find comfort in knowing our seasons are temporary, too, which is why we can continue. This season in our life is hard. Another season will come that will give our life new colors.
Acknowledge your grief. Because you’ve suffered a huge loss, you are in the process of grieving. Grieve. Feel the sadness of the losses you experience today and the sadness for the loss of a future you had expected. You’ll also feel grief for others in your life, including your caree and your family. Your grief can express itself through tears, anger, indecision. When you question the intensity of your emotions, know your grief needs an outlet. Release the grief through writing, grief movement or venting to a supportive person.
Redefine time. When caregiving becomes part of your life, you’ll have more to do without receiving more time to do it. The day still has 24 hours, the year still compromises 365 days. Because you will add critically-important responsibilities, you’ll feel like you don’t have time for laundry or home-cooked meals or a clean home. The horrible irony is that you will need to do more at a time when you’ll be just exhausted from your grief. Redefine what it means to be on time. You’re on time with laundry when you have clean underwear for today. You’re on time with meals when you have some healthy meals and some convenient ones. You’re on time with cleaning when you ask for help once a month from your family to keep the house clean. You’re on time when you’re simply doing your best.
Protect your time. Some family members and friends will be incredibly supportive and helpful. Some won’t. Invest your time in ways that give back to you. Relationships which don’t earn your investment right now are just that — the wrong fit right now. You don’t have to burn a bridge. You can simply protect your time with a turn toward what comforts you and a turn away from what drains you.
Be fair to yourself. You’re managing a significant, difficult change. You’ll have impatient days when you simply feel unkind. You’ll have better days when you feel good. Judge yourself based on the totality of your days rather than just on one bad day. The day after your bad day, give yourself a chance to be better.
Begin the process of forgiveness. You’ll feel so much resentment toward the disease, your day, the health care system, the friends who seem so insensitive, the family members who tell you about the cures that simply don’t apply to your family member’s situation. The resentments could grow a bitterness that truly will break you. Feel it and then start the process of forgiveness. The process may take a few minutes or several years. Just starting the process will lessen the chance that resentments ruin the rest of your life.
Know it’s not personal. It seems like life’s unfairness happened to you and your caree which is why it feels so personal. You’re a good person. Why would this happen to you? It’s unfair and, yet, it’s not personal. You certainly face tough challenges but you aren’t being punished. You are loved and will remain loved.
Determine your comfort level with change. With so much changing, you may feel overwhelmed by all that needs to change. Keep up with changes the best you can. When it’s too much, take a break.
Respect another’s comfort level with change. You may see the importance of quickly adjusting to the changes because it’s how you keep up. Others may process change at a slower speed. Understand their process without slowing down your progress. A fight over how slow they adjust only will add tension to your relationship and your day. Explain your position: “Time is so important to me right now. I want to use time in a way that’s good for us. That’s why I want to make this change.” Then, ask: “What’s difficult about this change for you?” Engage in the conversation so that you can reach a compromise that respects both positions.
After a family member’s diagnosis, you may be bombarded with messages to “take care of yourself, too.” These messages may sound both trite and contrived. You can reply, “I’m focused on my own healing. That’s how I’m taking care of myself.”
We have a free tool, My Daily Healing Plan, which can help. The plan features a three-step process that helps you name the pain, the healing strategy and the healing outcome. Three questions prompt you to reflect to find your answers:
1. What are you healing through?
2. What are you healing with?
3. What are you healing to?
You deserve to feel better by taking time each day to give yourself time to heal.
How will you heal?
(Image by Peggychoucair from Pixabay)
I love point 10. I’ll definitely be using the statement about time , “Time is so important to me right now. I want to use time in a way that’s good for us. That’s why I want to make this change.” Then, ask: “What’s difficult about this change for you?”