Dominoes
You know how one action impacts everything.
Sue knew her father wasn’t feeling well. Because her father lived in a senior living community, she reached out to the home care agency housed in the community to ask the nurse to check on him. Then, she called her sister, Anne, to alert her that their father, who resided in a senior living facility, wouldn’t be able to join the family get-together.
After sharing her concerns about their dad, Anne urged Sue to still join the family get-together. “Dad will be okay,” she said, “I really want you to come.” Sue appreciated Anne’s invitation but she also understood that her dad wouldn’t feel better tomorrow and that Sue would be spending the next days (weeks?) in a more intense caregiving situation.
Sue didn’t want to disappoint her sister so attended the get-together. The next day, she cursed that decision. The long trip to her sister’s and the stop to her dad after meant Sue didn’t get the good night’s sleep she knew she needed. The next week caring for her dad was brutal. Then, just as father got better, she got sick. Three weeks later, she still isn’t feeling well.
When we care for a family member, we play the game of dominoes. We know one falling domino can dislodge our house of cards. It’s often what others don’t get.
Sue knew her father would need more care, which is why she hesitated attending the get-together. She knew her ability to sleep and rest would be critical as she managed her father’s changing care needs. Her sister, who isn’t as involved, just didn’t get that.
Because others don’t get how much today’s reality can predict tomorrow’s needs, they often can’t understand when we decline an invitation in order to stay home. They just can’t see that their vision of what our self-care should be (attending a social activity) often conflicts with what we need to care for ourselves (the night in).
We know what’s coming which is why we make adjustments today. We’re wise to make those adjustments.
(Image by Jiří Fröhlich from Pixabay.)
This is so so true, Denise. Our decision-making processes are totally different from others' and so often other people have no idea about the stakes that we are weighing. And when you mention the idea of dominoes, I think of another caregiver who said "I was propping up my mother's perfect FAKE INDEPENDENCE until last Thursday when she fell and broke her hip." That idea really got me and made me think about my own dominoes, past and present. Thank you for sharing Denise!