Join Us on October 10 to Connect with a Good Listener
During a struggle, we really need to be heard.
What's it like to share a struggle with a friend only to receive "fixing" rather than understanding?
I saw this happen a few weeks ago during a lunch with two friends, including Phyllis, who cared for her husband for several years until his death this past spring.
During our lunch, Phyllis shared that she spent Labor Day with her adult children and their families at the family's lake house. This was the first trip for Phyllis to the lake house in many years; her husband's care needs made the trip impossible.
"I should have enjoyed the weekend," she shared. "But I kept thinking about the family members not with us -- my husband, my brothers. When I looked at my children with their families, I felt like a third wheel."
Shirley, our other friend, immediately chimed in. "You need to tell them how you feel." Phyllis gave her a look. "You need to figure out how to be more comfortable when you get together with them." Phyllis gave her another look.
I jumped in while Shirley took a breath. "I understand. I spent Saturday with my sister and niece. They have a relationship as mother-daughter that I don't. I was surprised how much I felt like a third wheel during our time together."
Phyllis look relieved. "You get it," she said. She then continued to share more about her weekend and how she felt. I continued to listen, focusing on her words and expressions.
Nothing will fix the struggle Phyllis faces. She’ll never return to the lake house with her husband and her brothers. No wonder it hurts on some many levels.
The "fixing" also only frustrates. When another jumps in to fix, we feel both interrupted and disrupted. We lose an opportunity to feel better by simply sharing.
That's why our Volunteer Listeners during our Caregiving Listener Project receive training on how to receive a story with compassion and curiosity. As Listeners, when we ask for more about a story, our Story Teller feels the release from the weight of a stressful story they may carry.
I’ve spent the past few weeks training our Volunteer Listeners and feel so inspired by their commitment to really just listening. Our group of Volunteer Listeners includes a a daughter who cared for her mother who had dementia; a mother grieving the recent death of another son; and the father of two children with special needs. Our Volunteer Listeners understand that feeling of loneliness during a struggle and want you to connect to good company.
We'd love to hear a story about your caregiving or after-caregiving experience during our Caregiving Listener Project on October 10. You'll meet with Volunteer Listener in a private Zoom room to share about a situation, a relationship, a day, an experience. You choose the story.
Join our Caregiving Listener Project to share a story on October 10.
I'm curious: How do you manage when a friend wants to "fix" rather than understand?
Image by StockSnap from Pixabay
Resources
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts in our survey about the help and support you want and need. Your insights will help me as I put together our initiative to encourage researchers to donate a percentage of research funds to support family caregivers. If you haven’t had a chance to complete the survey yet, you’ll find it here. It takes about 5 minutes.