Managing the Worry of Another Emergency
Worry is the defining emotion of our caregiving experience.
In October, LifeStation, a medical alert monitoring system, released its first-ever Positive Aging Quotient. The research, which surveyed over 900 Americans over the age of 55 who are current or future caregivers of an older adult, examined the impacts of caregiving responsibilities on everyday life from work to mental health. (Note: I have a paid partnership with LifeStation. This article reflects my own perspectives, experiences and ideas.)
A few insights from the research stood out to me:
97% of current caregivers feel it is at least moderately important to plan ahead for another disruptive event.
Survey respondents shared their fears that their family member has died, has hurt themselves or has fallen when they don’t hear from their carees.
Worry is the defining emotion of our caregiving experience because we know our carees’ frailty or disease process can create an emergency at any time. One moment all is fine and the next moment all is chaos. We do our best to move through our day but we’re keeping our cell phone within reach, just in case. We do our best to get our rest at night but we’re sleeping next to our always-on cell phone, just in case.
We’re always on, ready to act because we know the status quo isn’t a permanent caregiving situation. It seems like the constant during caregiving is change.
How do we keep our life when our life includes so many worries? A few suggestions:
Our quality of life matters, too. We focus so much on our caree’s safety and well-being. Consider what gives quality to your life. How can you adjust your day and your schedule to improve your quality of life?
If you can, create an on-call schedule so that you get a break from being the one who’s always on alert. Perhaps you have a family member who could be on call in case of an emergency one Saturday afternoon a month. During that Saturday, you can turn off your cell phone while you catch up on your sleep. Share information that your on-call replacement will need so he or she can manage the emergency until you turn your phone back on.
Create a plan for your worries. We’d love for you to join us for our free monthly Family Emergency Planning sessions. You can talk out a worry with us and we’ll talk out what a plan could look like for that worry.
Be patiently engaged in the process of you caree’s technology adoption. We know our carees need medical alerts; we also know the challenge getting our carees to agreee to use the technology. In its Positive Aging Quotient research, LifeStation notes that 70% of the aging adults in our lives are not completely comfortable with the latest technology. The battle with our caree to use technology can feel awful. Rather than engaging in a battle, be okay with a process that involves on-going discussions. I started the conversation with my parents in 2016. “We’re not ready,” they said. Fast forward to today; they both use a medical alert device because of my mom’s Parkinson’s diagnosis and my dad’s recent falls. Re-visit the conversation with your caree when the time feels right for you, knowing that the process may take time. Although the process may feel frustrating, stick with it.
Use technology in the way it helps you. While you wait for your caree to agree to using technology, research how technology can help you streamline your tasks and your responsibilities.
Create a Fall Squad, an idea I presented during our virtual event, Care and Share: Our Big Ideas. We can feel like it’s all up to us when a fall happens which is a lonely feeling. Ask others to be available to help so that you know who to call in case there’s no injury and you need an extra pair of hands to safely help your caree up. I’ve called my brother-in-law to help when my mom has fallen. I have Helping Handles at my parents’ apartment and in my apartment to help. You also can check with the fire department in your caree’s community to learn what help they can provide. The idea of help helps and that can help alleviate a worry. You know who to call when you need help.
We can plan but we can’t control. It’s not our responsibility to control what can’t be controlled — a disease progression, our caree’s natural cycle of life.
Our interventions in the past saved our caree’s life which can put so much pressure on us to always be that saving intervention. We can do our best but we can’t expect that we will always be able to prevent the unpreventable. It’s okay to be human which means we can’t be two places at the same time and we can’t predict what may happen next. It’s okay to keep your life as much as you can during your life of caregiving. Sacrificing your life to be available all the time will be too high a price to pay.
When something goes wrong, we can blame ourselves. You didn’t cause a decline or a fall or an emergency. Rather than judge, be compassionate. During these emergencies, you need care, too.
The falls and medical emergencies can be so traumatic. Just as your caree needs time to recover, so do you. Talk out with the events with a supportive resource, like a Certified Caregiving Consultant or therapist.
Because we managed so many of our caree’s medical emergencies in the past, we can default to living with the idea that medical emergencies always will be part of our present. In this moment, everyone may be okay but you’re still expecting something to go wrong. Living in a constant state of anticipation is just hard. We can worry so much that we begin to live in the future rather than focusing on the moment. Right now, focus on what’s okay. You are okay.
What helps you manage the worries about a caree’s fall or medical emergency?
(Image by Kevin Phillips from Pixabay.)