Owning It

When we can own our caregiving role, we take back some control so we keep ourselves.

(Part 1 of 3.)

In an NPR article published last week, Caregiving can test you, body and soul. It can also unlock a new sense of self, a paragraph stood out to me:

About eight years ago, when she was in her mid-20s, a new doctor took her aside: "How are you, the caregiver, doing?" Velastegui protested: I'm not a caregiver! I'm just a daughter. No, said the doctor. You're here, you're coordinating her medication, you're involved every day. You are the caregiver — acknowledge it and own it.

This exchange between a doctor and the family caregiver is exactly what we need to happen everywhere. (Read: Why Do Family Caregivers Have to do *Everything*?)

We need to be empowered because the caregiving experience just seems to take away our power. We lose time, money, energy, relationships. We judge ourselves for not doing enough, not being enough.

We deserve to have another, especially a health care professional, give us the words that energize and encourage us.

That simple two-minute conversation changes us. That conversation needs to happen early, when a family member receives a diagnosis, and often.

More importantly, that two-minute conversation costs absolutely nothing. But so many organizations get caught up in the narrative that family caregivers don’t self-identify. Researchers and organizations have wasted time and money on this idea believing that family caregivers can’t be reached because they don’t call themselves a “caregiver.” This idea leaves family caregivers struggling.

It doesn’t matter what we call ourselves — daughter, partner, family caregiver. It only takes a two-minute conversation with a health-care professional, who sees us showing up in our role and then reminds us to own it.

It only matters that we own our role as leader during our caregiving experience. We advocate, manage and navigate The 19 Caregiving Systems. We help, support and care. When we own it, we take back some of the control during such an out-of-control experience.

We also own how we refer to ourselves so that we keep all our identities during our caregiving experience. If we only see one part of our whole being, then we lose ourselves. We support, help care and advocate. We also enjoy friendships, love being in our relationships, want to contribute to our communities and workplaces, feel inspired to create, align our actions with our values, develop our gifts and talents. We are all. We need to be all.

When we own it, we prioritize our caree’s quality of life and, just as importantly, our own quality of life. When we own it, we respect our own wisdom and knowledge about what works best for our carees and within our caregiving role. We consider what help could help, we create routines and processes to streamline our day. We set boundaries and respect our limits. We make the decisions best for today with the knowledge we will adjust these decisions when our days change. We pay attention to our energy and emotions so we give ourselves time to feel better.

We look up and out rather than down and in.

We decide we must keep our whole rather than sacrifice each part to the caregiving piece.

A caregiving experience takes a lot from us. When another empowers us to own it, we give ourselves the opportunity to take what we need and deserve. We allow ourselves to be the whole of our parts.

How do you keep your whole self during caregiving?

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(In Part 2, I’ll share what happens when we over-identify as a family caregiver. In Part 3, I’ll share more about the research behind the self-identifying question.)

(Image by Miguel Á. Padriñán from Pixabay.)

Resources

• Our free course, You’re the CEO, supports you in your role as CEO of your caregiving experience.

• How are you? Tell us how you’re doing and about the impact of funding cuts and consolidations on you via our five-minute survey. While what’s happening inside the United States inspired our survey, please complete our survey wherever you live. (You’ll be prompted to enter your zip or postal code in the survey. You also can remain anonymous when completing the survey.)

• We’re hosting Virtual Town Hall meetings in our chat room on CaringOurWay.com and Conversations on Zoom to better understand how these uncertain times are impacting you. We’d love for you to join us.

• We’ll share results of our Dementia Care Family Support Pilot Program and our Impact on You survey during our Caregiving Advocacy Conference in Chicago May 15-17. Enjoy a 2 for 1 Deal through April 18. (Buy one ticket and get one ticket free.)