Releasing Caregiving Regrets During and After

"I don’t know what I need to do to once again find joy."

"But I still have this feeling that I was a bad son, and it weighs down on all aspects of my life now. I’ve become isolated in my guilt and grief. I don’t know what I need to do to once again find joy."

A son wrote this to the Asking Eric columnist because he needed advice on how to manage his regrets since his father's death.

During our caregiving experience, we crave time because it's so elusive. After caregiving, we can begin to dread the newfound time in our day because it's so unforgiving. After our caree's death, we have time to remember what we did wrong. We also believe it's too late to remedy our actions because our caree is gone.

Six days and four days before my dad died, I was impatient and frustrated with him. I think of those moments as evidence of how it hard it is to provide care. It's not a judgement of me; it's a fact about the experience.

I wonder: What if allowing those emotions also allowed me to stay present? What if bottling it all up ended up making it easier for me to stay away, which would have been the bigger regret? Meaning, what if keeping it all in gave me an excuse to stay away? ("I can't deal with his self-centeredness so I'm not helping today.") Saying my peace released me. When we judge ourselves for being vulnerable, perhaps we make it harder for ourselves to participate in such a raw, vulnerable experience like caregiving.

I know I can look past those moments because those moments don't define my experience. I helped and cared for my dad almost 20 years. During the years, I was ever present. I stood with him, I sat with him, I stayed up with him, I answered his midnight calls for help, I kept him good company. I did wound care and ostomy care over and over and over. I cared.

If we are to judge our caregiving experiences, we must look at the whole rather than at the smallest of parts. We stayed for the whole experience; that's remarkable.

We can forgive ourselves because our carees forgive us. We can embrace joy because our carees want us to be joyful. More than anyone, our carees know our sacrifices; they don't want our sacrifices to continue after their death.

In the advice column, Eric recommends my book, "After Caregiving Ends, A Guide to Beginning Again." I share more strategies to close out a caregiving experience in the book.

What helps you manage your guilt and regrets during and after caregiving?

(Image by Antonio López from Pixabay.)

Resources

• Join me Saturday, January 25, at 11 a.m. ET (10 a.m. CT, 8 a.m. PT) for our free, one-hour Caregiving Advocate training. The time is now to create an impact that improves the caregiving or after-caregiving experience. You are just the person to be that catalyst for change. We want you to be successful in your work to make that change. Our training arms you with what you need to start an effective movement for change.

• Our free resource, The Daily Healing Plan, can help you manage the impact of a loss.

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