Solutions Arrive After Listening

The default is to research. The real solutions come from listening.

In his book, “Outliers,” Malcolm Gladwell writes about the 10,000 rule, which means that we master skills after 10,000 hours of practice. The rule is about commitment to understanding and improving.

A few years ago, I had a student enrolled in two of my training programs, both of which require that participants attend a caregiving support for three hours. Because each program required this, the participant had to attend six hours of caregiving support meetings, either virtually or in-person, in order to become certified.

She really didn’t like that requirement so never completed the coursework to become certified.

Her resistance made me question if I was asking too much. Now, I wonder if I asked too little.

To serve family caregivers well, we must engage in meaningful conversations with them. I have gotten so far in my work because I committed to being a part the conversation by leading virtual and in-person support groups for the better part of 25 years. I also spend time in conversation with individual family caregivers and with family caregivers who attend my workshops and enroll in my training. In total, I’m over 10,000 hours but still feel I have so much to learn.

These hours give me invaluable insights into the experience and help me spot market trends before the market did. Because I listen, I understand that family caregivers want opportunities because they feel like they sacrifice so much during caregiving. That insight led me to create events during which family caregivers present and to feature them as bloggers, podcasters and thought leaders.

I wonder, though, if the default is to research rather than to listen. We have been inundated with caregiving research which has not changed the caregiving experience. I think the research starts with a good intention to better understand the caregiving experience but then derails from the assumption that only research can uncover those insights. I know of one research project that started from an assumption quickly proven false. The research continued, though, which meant funding went to useless research.

When organizations, service providers and researchers commit to listening to family caregivers tell their stories and talk of their experiences, they’ll hear the language of caregiving — the stress, the frustration, the worries. They will then know of how to reach family caregivers because they’ll adopt their language.

I attended another meeting last week during which a participant asked how to reach family caregivers. I suggested she speak to their worries. She replied, “We want to reach them before a crisis.” “Yes,” I replied. “Worrying is what we experience before, during and after caregiving.” She looked at me, absolutely baffled. She just couldn’t think how this idea that we worry before a crisis could actually become words she could use to reach family caregivers before the crisis they worry about happens.

Family caregivers tell us every day about their challenges on social media. Family caregivers show us their stress every day. They regularly express worries. Let’s commit to listening to them, to spending as many hours as we can with them, because that’s how we’ll hear the right answers which will lead to the best solutions. It’s how we’ll really serve those who need us.

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Resources

• What’s it like to manage a 24/7 online caregiving community, help two aging parents and host a National Caregiving Conference? The short story: It was hard. The longer story: The lessons I learned became the book I just released, “Healing Words: Soothing Strategies for Your Caregiving Fatigues.” I share what can help us when we get tired of the guilt, discouragement and bad luck. The Kindle book is just $2.99. Get yours.

• My 50-minute workshop, Healing from Worry Fatigue, helps you put a plan in place for your worries.

• Video: Let’s Talk about the Emotions

• We’ve put together recommendations to help family caregivers. Our recommendation focus on using existing funds in better ways. For instance, we need to rethink caregiving research. We have enough research. We don’t have enough help. Join us in taking action to improve the family caregiver experience: https://www.change.org/caring-act #weACT4CAR

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