The Caregiving Myth of the Ages
Our carees have needs. As their family caregivers, we have separate and different needs.
Over the past 25 years or so, I’ve been doing what I can to educate individuals, communities and organizations about the caregiving experience. Often, I correct the assumption that family caregivers are older adults. We know that 46% of family caregivers are between the ages of 18 and 49.
The related myth is that when we support the older adult, we help the family caregiver. Help for our carees does help us. We also need help for ourselves, which is a different kind of help than our carees need. Only providing help for our carees overlooks the need for our own help.
It’s why we don’t offer support group meetings for carees and family caregivers. We’ll never share honestly about our experiences in front of our caree. We share an experience with our caree that impacts us very differently. It’s a shared experience that’s not the same.
For instance, my parents receive palliative care, which is a huge help for all of us. However, my conversations with my brother and sister after the palliative care visit are very different than the conversations during the visit. My siblings and I talk out our worries about our parents, our distress about their declines and our ideas for next steps. We share support with each other about our experiences watching our parents get frailer. We also talk honestly about our frustration as my parents, especially my dad, often struggle to accept the reality of their frailty.
My parents need help to maintain whatever quality of life we can for them as they decline. I need support keeping my quality of life so I continue to fully participate in my life.
My parents need help to die well.
I need help to live well.
A caregiving experience is not about aging. The irony, of course, is that the experience can age us unless we receive the help and support we need as family caregivers.
I’d love to know:
What helps your caree?
What helps you?