The Election Results and the Caregiving Effect

A series on what gets overlooked in the election debrief -- the family caregiving experience.

Six months ago, a consultant working for one of our national caregiving organizations reached out. A colleague, she explained, recommended that I complete a survey about this organization that will help them as they develop their strategy for the coming year. Would I complete the survey? Of course, I said.

Full disclosure: I am turned off by this organization. I make sure I no longer see their posts on social media because when I did, I shook my head in frustration. Their posts celebrate work (“we issued a new report on caregiving!”) that has absolutely no impact on family caregivers. They choose initiatives based on what will bring in donor money rather than what will actually help family caregivers.

So, I took the survey. The survey listed the current initiatives considered by the organization and asked for my perspective on which one the organization could execute. The problem? None of the initiatives mattered! I just picked one knowing that any could be executed but none would make a difference. I also shared that I believe the organization doesn’t get it, doesn’t understand the caregiving experience and its social media posts demonstrate that lack of knowledge.

Any time I think of that organization, I think: They don’t get it.

If I could boil down the theme of the election results, I think it’s: They don’t get me so I’m voting for who I feel does. Voters picked who they believed understands their reality, which includes hardships and suffering. (Note: I voted a different way; I voted for who I believe will best serve the country.)

When I looked more closely at who voted for Trump, I learned that young men in droves did. They believe Trump gets their life, which they feel is difficult and a struggle. Young men in our country are in crisis.

Trump spoke to them in a way that made them feel seen and heard. They believed he got them which is why he got their vote.

What does young men suffering in their lives have to do with caregiving?

I’ve spoken to two young men recently who suffered because of a personal caregiving experience. Nadim, who spoke during our Fifth Annual Beginning Again Retreat, lost three family members before he turned 17. His mom, for whom he cared, died when he was 16, leaving him without parents or siblings. During his retreat presentation, he talked about powering through those losses until he almost couldn’t function. After graduating from college, he realized he needed help so sought out a therapist.

I met Haroon, a university senior, a few weeks ago; he interviewed about interning with me next semester. He cared for his grandfather, who died when he was a sophomore in college. He was devastated and lost after his grandfather died. He also was without support. He’s joining me as an intern because he wants to make a difference to support other young adults impacted by caregiving and grieving situations.

Neither Nadim not Haroon connected to a community of support when they needed that. They somehow kept going. But what if you don’t have any stability in your life when your life gets completely derailed by caregiving and death?

Young men aren’t the only ones affected, of course. I connected with another potential intern and university senior a few weeks ago whose father died while she was in high school. She now cares for her mother, who needs support for her debilitating mental illness. This young woman only receives support from her sister. She never connected to helpful support in high school or during college.

Last year, I interviewed an intern who shared that she felt like she lost her mom while her mother cared for her grandmother, that she could never reach her mom when she needed help and support. Through tears, she shared she had never expressed her level of pain over that situation before.

This morning, I attended the funeral for a 50-year-old man who suddenly died of a blood clot. His wife and young children were so heartbroken it was almost unbearable. How will we make sure we care for these children in high school, university and beyond?

I wonder: How many of the young men who voted for Trump were impacted by a caregiving experience? By a death in the family? I imagine many, many were and are. We are all touched by a personal caregiving experience and by death. That’s our life right now.

How many programs in our schools and in our communities support these young adults?

Very few.

When you need community, you connect with the community you can find. What you find online might reflect your anger about your pain that doesn’t go away. But that community will not offer ways to heal it. That kind of community thrives if you stay in pain; that kind of community will feed your anger, including by telling falsehoods that you mistakenly believe to be the truth. That’s not the kind of community anyone in pain deserves but it might be the only available and accessible one.

That’s why we need to create communities of healing.

(Image by Jill Wellington from Pixabay.)

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Next in our series: In Service Of. We see family caregivers only in service of their role as family caregiver. That kind of transactional viewpoint means we also don’t truly understand who family caregivers are.

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