My mother died at 9 a.m. on Tuesday morning in 2022, as the church bells rang.
My dad died at 5 a.m. on Sunday morning in 2023, just before the home health aide stopped into his apartment to check on him (and me).
I think about these specific times with belief that these moments weren’t random but chosen.
My mom’s breathing changed on that Tuesday morning just after I arrived in my parents’ apartment after getting some sleep in my own apartment. It was the one-year anniversary of my brother’s death and my mom had been unresponsive since Sunday.
When I arrived, I gave her a kiss and said, “Mom, it’s time to go.” I dipped wash clothes in warm water to wash her face and then stepped out of the room to call her hospice nurse to ask for help changing her. When I returned to her room, her breathing had changed; I knew it was time. I opened up the door to the balcony, sun beams entered the room, the church bells rang and my mom passed.
Eleven months later, I stayed with my dad in his apartment during his last three days. We hired a home health aide a few weeks earlier to check in overnight on him. Because I got up during the night to administer morphine, she checked on both of us at 10 p.m., 2 a.m. and 5 a.m. Just before 5 a.m. on Sunday morning, my dad’s breathing changed. I got up, the home health aide came in and we comforted each other in the moments after his death.
I believe my mom waited for me to arrive so my dad would be with me after she died. I also believe she waited until August 9, the same day my brother died a year earlier.
I believe my dad waited until the 5 a.m. check-in from the home health aide to die. My dad often expressed concern that I lived alone and am single. He wanted me to spend time with him and my mom because he worried I was lonely. (My ideas keep me company so I’ve never felt alone. I explained to him I am okay but my dad couldn’t see my good company.) I believe my dad died when he knew I had the company of the kind home health aide.
I found so much comfort in my parents’ last moments, which remind me of the power of the human heart and spirit to love and care until the very end. I continue to feel their presence around me, which makes me feel alive in ways I haven’t before.
I’m curious about your experiences with your family members who have died. How do you view their last moments?
Resources
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