We Identify with the Good Listener
We'll share about our caregiving experience with another who we decide will get it.
I joined a line for a lunch buffet at a conference I attended earlier this week. The nice man in front of me struck up a conversation. We shared what we each do for work. When I shared what I did, he just looked at me with a somewhat blank stare.
We continued to chat.
A few minutes later he said, “My dad has been a caregiver for a long time. It’s been really hard on him.”
I nodded so he continued. “It’s really taking a toll on him.”
I shared that we’re a resource for his dad and we’re ready to help. I then asked, “Is your dad helping your mom?”
My friend nodded. “She’s starting hospice services,” he said. “Today.”
I continued to share what words of support I could while we inched our way through the line. Our conversation ended when someone behind him in line began a conversation with him about a mutual colleague.
I think about how many join a line at work to do their work while something heartbreaking, like the start of hospice services, happens at home.
Later that day, a conference presenter talked about how “family caregivers don’t self-identify” which always makes me crazy. It’s doesn’t matter what we call ourselves. It only matters that another hears we’re struggling and then offers support and help that helps.
My conversation in the lunch line gave me another insight about the “family caregivers don’t self-identify” myth.
We’ll talk about our experiences with another who we believe can hear it. I think of my lunch line friend who initially had no response when I shared about my work. A few minutes later, he disclosed he’s a family caregiver without having to use that term “family caregiver.” His description of his experience means I know he’s caring. He’s just needed to know I could listen and receive the reality of his experience before he disclosed.
The self-identification issue isn’t about ourselves. It’s whether or not we identify someone as good listener who can participate in a difficult conversation about our reality.
On a regular basis, we connect to others who can’t listen and who can’t listen to our difficulties. When we find a good listener, we’ll disclose our caregiving experience.
Throughout our day, we’re assessing whether or not someone can handle hearing about what we handle in our day. Our assessment either leads to silence or to a conversation.
Family caregivers don't self-identify with someone who won't get it. We just need to encounter better listeners -- someone who will get it -- throughout our day.
I’d love to know: How do you know you’ve connected with another who can really listen to the reality of your day?
Resources
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Connect to a good listener on October 10 during our Caregiving Listener Project.
So true. Most people really don’t want to hear it. I say that without anger. It’s clear from their discomfort, from their attempt to brightside or change the subject. I think the easiest way to know someone wants to listen is when they hold still and ask “how are you?”