I’m wondering what has happened to us.
I spent time last week feeling like it doesn’t pay to offer programs or services for free. I believe in what I do and want individuals to experience my work which is why I sometimes choose to be generous about my work.
No matter how specific I communicate with verbal and written instructions about the details of the complementary services and programs, I receive demands from those who want more and want more now.
It feels like my gift is judged for not being enough.
The Swirling Drains
These demands just drain me which makes me wonder what’s draining those who seem stuck in a place of distrust, overwhelm and scarcity.
The email senders seem to come from the perspective that they don’t believe I will deliver what I’ve said I would, that they will somehow get screwed in the process and that someone else will get more than they will.
I realize these messages aren’t about me but about their life experiences.
What has happened to us that we don’t have time to take a moment to read and listen to communication, to be assured we have what we need, and to extend a simple “thank you” for the gift?
What has happened to us that we just don’t trust anyone or anything?
It seems that life has worn us out, then put us through the wringer and then thrown us out to dry.
The Burned-Out Hospice Nurse
I saw this last July when caring for my father, who died on a Sunday morning at 5 a.m. I called hospice to alert them, who then sent a hospice nurse to pronounce his death.
When the nurse arrived at about 6:30 a.m., she entered my father’s small apartment, stood near his body and complained about driving to my dad’s apartment through a thunderstorm to the lovely home health aide who helped me through the night.
The nurse proceeded to open up her laptop, ask me for his meds, confirm his time of death and ask for the phone number of the funeral home. After about 10 minutes, she finally said to me, “Oh, I’m sorry. I haven’t introduced myself.”
A few moments later, she offered the first acknowledgement of my reality on her way out the door. “I’m sorry for your loss,” she said.
I shared this story with my niece the next day. She offered me a helpful perspective: “That’s the story of a nurse who’s completely burnt out.”
The challenge, of course, is that their burnout burns us out. We only have enough compassion for so much. When we reach our limit, we decide not to be generous and to keep what we can for ourselves. We decide to focus on taking rather than giving.
The epidemic of burnout stresses our health care systems and our relationships. It also makes life harder for everyone because our burnout touches every individual we encounter.
Tell Us
What’s the solution?
I’m giving that question lots of thought.
We do have one solution available to you right now: Our Caregiving Listener Project. Join our Caregiving Listener Project, which takes place on February 16, as a Volunteer Story Teller to release your stress to a trained Listener in a private, safe space.
I’d love to hear your perspectives about your own burnout and about the burnout spread created by others that you experience. Which solutions to you think can help?
(Image by günter from Pixabay.)
Resources
The Caregiving Guide, Your go-to reference and companion
during all stages of your personal caregiving experience, the 10th edition of my book about the six caregiving stages, will be available on Feb. 19. The latest edition includes insights about the 17 caregiving systems and how to manage our caregiving waits and worries. When updating the book, I committed to creating a resource that family caregivers can pick up at any point, during any situation and while managing any experience to find ideas, information and comfort. Pre-order the Kindle version.
Our Winter 2024 edition of Impact Caregiving features interviews with others who serve family caregivers. You’ll meet collaborators, authors and creators who will inspire and empower you. To keep you connected to ideas and resources, we invite you to join us on May 11 for the Impact Caregiving, a virtual event.
To enjoy our virtual magazine and register to join us on May 11, visit Impact Caregiving on CaringOurWay.com.
Enjoy Episode 2 of Caregiver Support Live. Jennifer Richey and I answer questions about a knickknack that goes to the wrong home, the caree who won’t accept help, and how to answer a really irritating question.
"What happened to us?" 40 years ago I did not see this level of burnout happening, except in ghettos. What happened? Many things. Among them, is that we built up infrastructure for corporations, while dismantling infrastructure for people and social services. We shot ourselves in the foot, and it took a generation or two, but we are now seeing the systemic consequences. Corporations have burned-out workers, and families have overburdened caregivers. We had some bright spots along the way, like FMLA, but overall we are a poorer people care-wise and a richer people billionaire-CEO-wise. Do we still value people and caregiving? Well, of course we do. Are we putting our money where our mouths are...No, not yet. When I see one burned-out nurse, I think someone had a bum wrap in life. When I see a host of burned-out nurses, I think society isn't doing right by its people, and is misdirecting its energies elsewhere. Economic inequality makes for care inequality. Read "The Myth that Made Us".
Thank you for sharing this painful reflection, Denise. And what an insightful conversation here. I think about your concept of basic needs not being met. I wonder what kind of basic needs are not being met in the lives of health care workers and family members who are burnt out? I suspect they are mostly spiritual needs, constituting a balance of rest, the exchange of love and care and a sense of abundance of those things. The Asset Based Community Development Movement (ABCD) is trying to rekindle those values neighborhood by neighborhood. Like in Call the Midwife if you've ever seen that show on TV. Maybe if we had a little of that, we would learn to trust the care in each other again.