You Are Right
Others may dismiss, minimize or ignore you. That’s their mistake. You are right.
When you care, you encounter challenge after challenge. When you share your challenges, some may “should” on you. You may hear: “You know what you should do…”
When you speak up in the health care system because you’ve got important, critical information to share, some may ignore you or discount you. You may hear: “Oh, we’ve got an Internet MD in the appointment today. Leave it the real experts, okay?”
When you bring reality into conversations with family members, some may minimize your concerns. You may hear: “Debbie Downer giving us the worst case scenario again. I saw Dad last year and he was fine!”
The shoulding, ignoring, discounting and minimizing may lead you to wonder, “Am I wrong here?”
That thought is wrong. You are right.
You are right because:
You show up every day to assess the reality of the current situation.
You use your current assessment to tweak, adjust and change. You tweak, adjust and change as often as necessary, including several times within a few hours.
You gather information and insights from your adjustments which help you keep a pulse on the right-now situation.
You have the courage to explore what’s possible even as you know that the exploration may uncover an unintended mistake you may have made.
You have the compassion to put aside your ego to ensure you have the systems, teams and plans in place that best meet your caree’s needs, your needs and the family’s needs.
You remain realistic because you know that the truth will keep you going in the right direction. Denial will just derail you and waste your time.
You remain patient with how others process change because you understand processing change means feeling through grief. As you move more quickly to reach acceptance than others do, you also give others space for their own timeline. As they still process, you start strategizing.
You face the challenge to be a better person during a time that seems to bring out the worst in everyone. You meet the challenge by giving yourself a chance to initiative a do-over whenever you need the fresh start.
Finally, you realize that being right isn’t about labeling others as wrong. You stay right by simply sticking to your talking points:
To the one who “should’s” on you, you can say: “I’m just talking out what drains me today. When I need suggestions, I’ll be sure to ask. Right now, I just need a good listener who really wants to understand why this situation is so hard for so many, including me.”
To the professional who discounts you, you can say: “I’m here to do everything I can to ensure my caree’s quality of life is the best possible. It’s important for me to share what I experience so that we can make decisions that protect that quality of life.”
To the family member who wants to live in the past, you can say: “I’m sharing what I experienced over the past few weeks. It’s important to me to communicate honestly with you. I think it would be awful if my lack of communication created a huge surprise for everyone. I’m not offering a prediction of what could be happening. I’m simply sharing the changes and declines I see and experience. I believe it’s important we check out what could be happening so that we promptly implement solutions that could help.”
So much is wrong during a caregiving situation. It’s wrong that the systems don’t have a simple way to honor your experience and insights. It’s wrong that so many minimize the power of listening, just listening, to support you. It’s wrong that so many make you the target rather than dealing with their own fears.
So much is wrong. You, however, are what’s right.
Share Your Experiences
What talking points do you use when another dismisses or discounts you? Please share in our comments section.
Resources
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