How the Ask Ignites the Fear
When we ask for help, we challenge another to face their fears.
Last week, I wrote about the defeating and discouraging state of needing constant help. The conversations I had with others about the post were so helpful. I learn so much from all that you share with me.
During one conversation, I had an ah-ha that will sound so simple to you after I share it:
When our life is good, it’s easy to ask for help from another to carry groceries from the car into the kitchen, for instance. It’s pretty much a no-brainer for us to ask and for another to accept.
When I help another bring groceries from the car into the kitchen, I’m spending a few moments in a simple, one-dimensional task. I may have a twinge of resentment but I don't fear what I’ll see in the groceries or feel anxious about what I’ll encounter in the kitchen.
Asking for help during our caregiving experience is a very different experience.
Yet, others suggest we ask for help without having that realization.
When we ask for help during our caregiving experience, we often ask another to face their fears and manage their discomfort.
When they help us, they help two people in crisis: Ourselves and our carees.
Maybe the crisis is quiet right now but it’s still visible. Our caree is not who he was. We’re exhausted, sad, worried.
We’re asking another to step into world, which is a tough place to be.
We do what we can to pretty up our world to make it more comfortable for those who help. Ultimately, we can’t change the world because we can’t change a disease, a chronic illness, a diagnosis, a disability. (Sometimes, we just tire of trying to make our world more comfortable for others and simply decide others will just have to deal with it.)
When we ask for help, we’re searching for that one individual who can feel comfortable in our world, who can be at ease with our stress without trying to fix it and who can be compassionate with our caree during the declines without wanting to run from it.
That person who can help is unique.
We’re looking for help from someone who’s just like us. But we’re already busy helping as many as we can.
There just aren’t enough of us who can help which is why it’s so hard to get help.
What do you think?
Resources
In our coach training programs, we learn about a family caregiver’s house of cards, which creates insights and understanding about the challenges of asking for, finding and using help during our caregiving experience. Learn about our Comfort Care Family Coach and Certified Caregiving Consultant training programs.
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This is so true Denise! I was talking about exactly this with my friend (another wise caregiver) and she said that when asking and giving is easy and natural, it's like a "clean transaction of care." But when it gets messy and awkward, it's the complicated experience you describe so well here. Thank you for sharing!