The Pressure of Predicting and Preventing

We can't sacrifice ourselves to controlling what's out of our control.

On Thursday, I presented to a group of health care professionals with Debra Hallisey, one of our Certified Caregiving Consultants, about communicating effectively with family caregivers.

During the last few moments of our program, an attendee shared a heartbreaking story about a colleague, who began caring for both parents when she was a young adult in her twenties. After both parents died, her colleague was hospitalized for a mental health crisis. Our attendee closed the story with the importance of caring for ourselves while we care for our family members and friends.

I offered a different perspective: “This story that reminds us that sacrificing ourselves will never keep our carees alive. It’s also a reminder that our self-care cannot be tied solely to our caregiving role, the idea that we only care for ourselves so we can the best caregiver for our family members. We also must care for ourselves in order to give ourselves a future.”

I also explained that we can feel soooo much pressure to keep our carees alive — to defy death — that we may feel we failed when they die.

The heath care system relies on us to provide care, even though we are not a doctor or nurse. Within the system, health care professionals may tell us what they think we want to hear (“we can try this treatment which may be what works”) rather than the truth (“we’ve exhausted our options and it’s time to talk about making these last months matter”).

When we care, we need to know about limits, including that life itself has limits. We need to learn about the natural cycle of life, which means that death will happen. We also need to be reassured that their death is part of that natural cycle of life. We didn’t fail. We did what we could. We can grief for our losses. We can feel the sadness when life ends. And, we can continue.

The pressure to predict what could happen next so we can stop it and to prevent what is beyond our control can really do a number on us. We lose ourselves to believing we must always be ready to predict and prevent.

To be always ready for what could happen means we lose the opportunity to be present in this moment. We fall into the trap of managing the future which hasn’t happened yet rather than experiencing our right-now minute. We can plan, we can prepare and then we can pivot to the moment. When we stay out of this moment for too long, we lose sight of what’s really needed — connections, love, forgiveness, kindness and compassion for ourselves and our carees.

We are humans experiencing an intensely human experience — caregiving. We need reminders that the best way to experience caregiving is through that humanity. So much will be out of control. It’s okay. What’s in our control — being present in each moment — is what matters most.

Sacrificing our life cannot be the way we extend another’s life. When we stay engaged in our life as much as possible, then we give meaning to life’s moments for all of us.

(Image by Myriams-Fotos from Pixabay)

Resources

• We want to know what’s it like to manage The 17 Caregiving Systems. Our interns from the Community Health Program at University of Illinois would love to connect with you to hear your experiences. Learn more and schedule your interview.

• Watch our archive, The Art of Story Telling, to start writing out what happens during your caregiving experience.

• Please share your caregiving data which can represent the reality of your caregiving day.

• Join us in November for special events and deals on our training programs.

• Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts in our survey about the help and support you want and need. It’s been so helpful for me to read your insights about your experiences. If you haven’t had a chance to complete the survey yet, you’ll find it here. It takes about 5 minutes.

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