We Resist Because We Care

Rather than judging us, support us as we think out how to help in help and support.

(Part 4 of 4. Read Parts 1, 2 and 3.)

For the past few weeks, I’ve been writing about an NPR article that included insights from researchers who sought to answer this question: Why don't caregivers ask for help and use the support that's already out there?

That question often leads many to this conclusion: Family caregivers resist help and support.

I believe, as I wrote a few weeks ago, that resistance is the human experience.

Resistance really can take hold when we’re doing really important, meaningful work.

“The more resistance you experience, the more important your unmanifested art/project/enterprise is to you - and the more gratification you will feel when you finally do it.” ~ Steven Pressfield, The War of Art

What if our resistance isn’t about refusal but about wanting the best outcome possible for our carees and ourselves? When we want the best possible outcome, we take our time. Because we’ve experienced the worst possible outcome (help that truly didn’t help), we proceed with caution in pursuit of the best possible outcome.

Working toward that best possible outcome means we worry — a lot — about how to make that happen. That worry to many sounds like resistance.

I teach in the Certified Caregiving Consultant course to allow resistance. When we give space for family caregivers to say what they worry about, fear and dread, then we take some air out the resistance. When the resistance sits in our head and our heart, it takes hold. When we release the resistance, it loosens its hold.

A resistant client isn’t uncooperative or defiant or in denial. A resistant client is concerned about making the wrong decision, taking the wrong next step, hiring the wrong help. We need to respect the resistance rather than label it.

We also need to care for the resistant client because they care a lot. These deeply-feeling souls need our support. We need to let them share in a safe, trusted space.

Too often, family caregivers meet judgment when they take an intentional, deliberate approach to adding help and support. Perhaps that judgement, not their resistance, is what stops them from moving through the process of considering how, when and where to add help and support.

When we encounter judgment, we remain silent. When we’re feeling our way through the resistance of doing what’s hard — adding in help and support — we need to air out the concerns about what could wrong. Talking it out is how we move through the worries and self-doubt so the resistance fades.

We’re right to resist. It’s right to support family caregivers through that resistant pause with kindness and understanding.

When have you felt judged for taking your time on how and when you add help and support?

(Image by Aritha from Pixabay.)

Resources

• Our Facilitator, Navigator and Specialist training programs are on sale through April 27. Pay what you want, with minimums, to learn how to lead caregiving and grief support groups, provide system navigation support, and become a Virtual Assistant to family caregivers. You also save when you enroll in our Professional Listening Artist program.

• How are you? Tell us how you’re doing and about the impact of funding cuts and consolidations on you via our five-minute survey. While what’s happening inside the United States inspired our survey, please complete our survey wherever you live. (You’ll be prompted to enter your zip or postal code in the survey. You also can remain anonymous when completing the survey.)

• We’re hosting Virtual Town Hall meetings in our chat room on CaringOurWay.com and Conversations on Zoom to better understand how these uncertain times are impacting you. We’d love for you to join us.

• We’ll share results of our Dementia Care Family Support Pilot Program and our Impact on You survey during our Virtual Caregiving Advocacy Conference May 15-17. Registration is free. You can earn CEUs on May 15 and 16 for a flat fee of $30.

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