When It's Not About the Boundary
Sometimes, it's about another acting badly.
I recently vented to a few colleagues about an individual making awful demands on my time.
“Girl,” one immediately said, “you need to set boundaries.”
Oh, boy, did that comment make me mad.
I stuck to my boundaries with this individual who simply decided she was the exception to my boundaries. I didn’t budge and yet she continued to demand.
It wasn’t about my boundaries. It was about someone disrespecting my boundaries. (This is one example of why I added Narcissism to the list of The 19 Caregiving Systems we navigate and manage.)
Judging my boundary setting lets another off for their bad behavior.
We encounter individuals regularly who simply act badly. Our boundaries won’t change their behavior. Honestly, in some instances, boundaries can escalate bad behavior.
When that happens to you, please know that you are experiencing something quite awful. You are wise to set boundaries. You are smart to walk away when another disrespects your boundaries. You practice self-care when you intentionally ignore another’s demands that you remove a boundary because of their own self-interest.
It’s important to acknowledge that it’s exhausting to go through this experience. You deserve better. You deserve others to respect what works for you. You have so many demands on your time already; it’s really frustrating when another over demands.
How do you manage bad behavior that comes when another believes your boundaries are for everyone but them?
Resources
Join me for a two-workshop, Insights into Coaching Family Caregivers, on July 31. I’ll share insights from my experiences coaching family caregivers since 2004. Our workshop begins at Noon ET (11 a.m. CT, 9 a.m. PT). Registration is free; 2 CEUs for $30 available for nurses, social workers, Certified Dementia Practitioners® and Certified Senior Advisors®.
Thank you so much for writing this. I can relate! I grew up with an NPD mother. Too much to say here except I've experienced many other relationships like the one I had with my mother (but diluted) due to how I was conditioned. And I tend to feel guilty when I set a boundaries with these people. I think I've done something wrong or am not being "nice."
I think while also knowing in many cases, it would be better to disengage with the person. But then I have to look at myself and ask why are so many of my relationships with narcissists? Why am I attracting those people? Will I have any friends left?
I know it's related to my codependency. What is harder to understand is with all the knowledge and years of experience I have in this area, why do I continue to repeat the same unhealthy pattern?