Why Don't Family Caregivers Ask for Help and Support?
Because it's hard to add in help and support!
(Part 2 of 3. Read Part 1.)
Why don't family caregivers ask for help and support?
A NPR article published last week shared how two researchers approached that question:
"In 2009, two researchers proposed an explanation for why caregiving for an adult who is ill or disabled can be so profound. Their argument, simply called 'caregiver identity theory,' is now widely accepted among psychologists and social workers who study and help caregivers.
"The theory addresses a question that stumped social workers and researchers: Why don't caregivers ask for help and use the support that's already out there? Identity theory suggests one reason: People don't think of themselves that way. The c-word doesn't resonate."
I am someone who studies the caregiving experience and began helping family caregivers in 1990. I became a life coach in 2004 because I want to provide the best support I could to the family caregivers I interact with daily.
Several years ago, I landed on a very different explanation for why it's hard to add in help and support during a caregiving experience:
It's hard to add in help and support!!
Family caregivers have a very fragile House of Cards. Any change, like help and support, could cause that House of Cards to shake. That's really scary.
I also believe that caregiving research conducted in 2009 doesn't reflect today's reality. Today's caregiving experience is very complicated. The direct care workforce shortage means a lack of available, affordable help.
In 2018, I asked one of those researchers if she had updated her research. "No," she said. That was that. (I update my own research and concepts about every three years and sooner when I see something significantly change in any of the 19 Caregiving Systems.)
Many judge family caregivers as resistant to help. I find that family caregivers are concerned about the disruption of adding help, fret about changing a routine by adding help, worry about adding in help that actually doesn't help.
Even family caregivers who identify as a caregiver give careful thought to adding help. They think about how to schedule the help and support; how to find, manage and train the help; how to get their caree to agree to help; figure out how to pay for the help; talk with other family members about adding in help. They then hope the help shows up!
It’s exhausting!
Rather than resistant, I find family caregivers to be careful and strategic about adding help.
During my coaching sessions with family caregivers, I give them all the room they need to resist. They have to feel their way through the guilt and worry before landing on what the right help looks like for their particular, individual situation.
I also understand their resistance is the human experience.
Family caregivers are in the midst of a really hard experience. The last thing they want to do is make it harder for themselves.
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Join me April 16 at 1 pm ET for a Caregiving Master Class: The Family Caregiver's House of Cards. I'll share how you can provide good company to family caregivers as they think through the kind of help and support they need. This Master Class is one of our foundational classes for our training programs, including our Certified Caregiving Consultant program.
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Well, we are on the same wave length. Not only is it hard to think about disrupting the routine and managing help, for many the whole process is scary.
Sue and I published a podcast episode yesterday on "Navigating the caregiving hiring process". In two weeks we will publish "Creating a care plan" and two weeks after that, "How to integrate and introduce a paid caregiver". Here is a link to the one from yesterday.
https://thecaregiversjourney.com/32-navigating-the-caregiver-hiring-process-five-essential-tips-alzheimers-and-other-dementias/
Nancy
Yes, we often blame the caregiver, and we don’t think about what they need to manage—adding help often adds new accommodations and new work to an overloaded day.