1. The need for so much help means we often can't meet our basic needs. We're already tired from not having enough when we begin to ask for help.
2. Social media, I think, could inspire others to help only if they can make a show of it -- post about it, create videos about it. Giving help isn't necessarily entirely generous. We then become part of an equation -- others help as long they get something out of it. That's difficult for us, too, because we can feel used.
I think for me, there is guilt associated with asking for help. Specifically, I think to myself: "you're being dramatic. It isn't that bad. You can do this all on your own." My brothers are supposed to be my helpers (our quite elderly parents live with my husband and me), and sometimes I feel guilty pulling them away from their own families (grown children, grandchildren) to ask for help.
I'm so glad you shared, Sarah. I think one of our challenges is that we don't see the mountain we're climbing. So much of what we do requires internal efforts -- so much patience, diligence, focus, problem-solving and kindness. That's hard because we're going to run out simply because what's required during our caregiving experience can be bought in bottles at Target. We can't pick up a bottle of patience, for instance, at Target when we run out because our days are just so long. I found it helpful to pivot from it's a burden when others help to knowing it's an opportunity when others help. It's an opportunity for others in the family to make use of a narrowing window of time to spend with our aging parents. It's an opportunity for our parents to send time with their children. After my parents died, I was so grateful that my siblings spent as much time as they did with our parents. We're helping all the time so it makes sense others can help on a regular schedule, which is very different than the help we provide. Receiving that help is an opportunity for us, too, to connect with what matters to us. I also found it helpful to have a conversation with other family members about a schedule of regular help. With a regular schedule (two Saturdays a month, for instance), I avoided having to always ask. We've agreed on the schedule so it's just maintaining and tweaking, when necessary, the schedule.
I had a few thoughts after publishing this post:
1. The need for so much help means we often can't meet our basic needs. We're already tired from not having enough when we begin to ask for help.
2. Social media, I think, could inspire others to help only if they can make a show of it -- post about it, create videos about it. Giving help isn't necessarily entirely generous. We then become part of an equation -- others help as long they get something out of it. That's difficult for us, too, because we can feel used.
I think for me, there is guilt associated with asking for help. Specifically, I think to myself: "you're being dramatic. It isn't that bad. You can do this all on your own." My brothers are supposed to be my helpers (our quite elderly parents live with my husband and me), and sometimes I feel guilty pulling them away from their own families (grown children, grandchildren) to ask for help.
I'm so glad you shared, Sarah. I think one of our challenges is that we don't see the mountain we're climbing. So much of what we do requires internal efforts -- so much patience, diligence, focus, problem-solving and kindness. That's hard because we're going to run out simply because what's required during our caregiving experience can be bought in bottles at Target. We can't pick up a bottle of patience, for instance, at Target when we run out because our days are just so long. I found it helpful to pivot from it's a burden when others help to knowing it's an opportunity when others help. It's an opportunity for others in the family to make use of a narrowing window of time to spend with our aging parents. It's an opportunity for our parents to send time with their children. After my parents died, I was so grateful that my siblings spent as much time as they did with our parents. We're helping all the time so it makes sense others can help on a regular schedule, which is very different than the help we provide. Receiving that help is an opportunity for us, too, to connect with what matters to us. I also found it helpful to have a conversation with other family members about a schedule of regular help. With a regular schedule (two Saturdays a month, for instance), I avoided having to always ask. We've agreed on the schedule so it's just maintaining and tweaking, when necessary, the schedule.
Great thoughts! We do share a sibling family calendar. Two of the four of us use it-- you know, the ones who do most all the work anyway. :)
I hope this week will be an easier one for you, Sarah.